Great Expectations

A good friend of mine suddenly appears at my doorstep apparently distressed. It was around 11 pm and I was as usual busy with my office work preparing for the next day with TV running in the background. The sudden unexpected intrusion took me by surprise and resulted in delayed welcome. As she settles in the sofa of my living room with a coffee (a fellow coffee addict), I found her staring into the cup probably at her reflection dancing on the surface occasionally marred by vapors emanating from the cup . The aroma carried by these vapors was mesmerizing. However, I was pulled out of the trance soon enough by a soft sobbing sound as I realize soon enough that she was crying and all her efforts to restrain herself was pretty much in vain. With growing concern , I begin to investigate the matter which made her cry like a baby.

 As I was ‘ listening ‘(for a change), I realized this is the result of her unfulfilled and probably misplaced ‘ expectations ‘ from her BF & vice versa!

On introspection – What is it about relationships that make them so vulnerable? Why does human being (a evolutionary social animal) struggle at being “social”?

 Human beings are inherently conditional in nature as they are nurtured in a conditional environment since birth. Beginning with our parents who instill the very basics of socially acceptable behavior ‘laced with conditions’. For example, a mother to a naughty child says – “son , if you behave properly, I will give you a chocolate” ! The innocent gullible child has no idea that the seed has been planted in his subconscious which will reflect in his social behavior at a later stage. How does this conditional behavior manifest in us ? The one world answer to this is – EXPECTATION. This conditional upbringing leads us to have expectations from other people. The mother gives the child his first lesson on “having expectations” by offering a reward to a ‘expected’ behaviour. Hence begins a journey of interactions and socializing with fellow people. Each sub-consciously expecting something in return from the other. This ultimately begins to form the basis of all relationships. Be it a Mother – child relationship , husband – wife , BF- GF ( as the case is here ) , Boss-employee ,  Even the relationship between  a saint – GOD is based on expectation. The Saint expects enlightenment / Nirvana through penance. Come to think of it , even our scriptures preach (rather demands) and ‘expects’ conditional behavior to achieve salvation. The Ultimate Promise of Salvation being a “ultimate expectation”. The seed of expectations is so deeply ingrained into us beings to the extent that we are told – GOD has expectations too & expects us to do this and that (I will not walk further on this overly sensitive subject) .

 So my next question is – when we all are so well trained from birth and over the years nurtured into learning to expect , why do we often suffer from bad relationships ? What is the secret to having a happy and long standing relationship?

 Strange as it may sound , here I believe Man’s ambition and his never ending search for Peace (another expectation from life in general) makes him aggressive and leads him to have “Great expectations “from himself and from their partners. This usually is the root cause of failures in relationships especially during the early or late teen years as then their minds are not mature enough to skillfully manage these “Great expectations”.

 When a relationship runs into troubled waters – the first thing that is told to grieving parties is – “you are expecting too much”!. Be it a good friend or a professional counselor, this is the bottom line, which is most commonly addressed. Yet it is true. There is nothing wrong in having expectations but having “too much” and more often having expectations without understanding leads to the doom. As one does not fulfill the expectations of other, a shift in the delicate balance in a relationship takes place. Add to this, the apparent lack of understanding and sometimes trust to this boiling pot and you have on your hand a full blown – disaster relationship ready to blow up in your face pushing the limits are our wise men/ saints who go about preaching -“you should learn to have NO expectations’ under the veil of quotes from scriptures. Well then my question to them is  – isn’t this (not expecting) in itself a “Great Expectation”? Would a relationship exist if one is to have no expectation?

I return back to reality to my grieving friend to whom I try my best in counseling her with simple practical advice that it’s good to have expectations, but its better for all to know what type of expectations should be harbored. This can be achieved only by communicating with the other (especially in times like these) with patience and understanding. Armed with this advice, she leaves for her home eventually & I am happy to report at last information, the couple was making plans of going away to – “manage expectations” .

 Does this mean – Successful relationships are all about “managing great expectations”? 

 As I continue to introspect on the delicate nature of relationships, please feel free  to post comments and share your thoughts.

 Cheers!